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Transformations By Sean Michael is the most complete, mobilized fitness and wellness solutions company, certified by NASM.  I operate out of Bergen and Passaic counties.  My services include one on one personal training, partner training, seasonal boot camps and special events training.   Service in the following towns:  Franklin Lakes, Wyckoff, Waldwick, Ramsey, Ridgewood, Mahwah and Paramus. 

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He Said/She Said

He Said/She Said is a fun weekly blog written by Allison Hill of Accidentally Allison and myself.  We feature opposing viewpoints on hot topics! 

Intimacy

Sean Michael

He Said

They say men are not capable of intimacy. Why do they even say that? It could be their excuse to not let others in. Perhaps a past experience lead them to make that accusation. They always seem to know what they are talking about until they don’t.

Intimacy is defined as close familiarity or friendship; closeness; a private cozy atmosphere and an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse. Generally, intimacy is derived in that very order. The man learns about his future partner, potentially igniting his pilot light. As an undetermined amount of time goes by, someone starts visiting the other’s place and becomes comfortable. The next level of comfort leads to kissing, petting or any adult level of sexual contact. But is that truly intimacy? I believe it can be.

I also believe that it becomes more intense when you really share yourself and become vulnerable. Wanting to learn about someone past the surface of their favorite color and TV show is a great step towards true intimacy. The deeper the layers that you expose to one another, the stronger the level of compatibility and most importantly, trust. Trust is the key that will unlock more doors than anything else in this world or will keep them dead bolted shut

It’s not about are men capable of intimacy but more are they able to handle the responsibilities that come along with the levels that can be achieved. Let me put this on record to say that there are plenty of women who wouldn’t know a connection of any kind if it was handcuffed to them. Along with intimacy comes emotions and emotions tend to lead to one person becoming more attached than another unless it’s a perfect match. Men are fully capable of handling emotions and feelings and definitely being intimate. However, they are only able to give to the level that they receive in return.

Can intimacy be achieved in one night, one time? I think in terms of taking your time, wanting to know every inch of a woman’s body, listening to her every moan, mirroring her every move and willingly taking her gentle direction it can be extremely intense intimacy. But to me, the deeper sense is the combination of all three definitions repeatedly is what true intimacy is all about. Openness, communication, willingness to trust and develop a bond over time is intimate. Letting someone into your mind, your heart and your soul is intimate. Inviting someone into not only your headspace but the space you call home, the space where no one judges you and you feel your safest is intimate. Sex of any kind is some of the best rewards of intimacy but the scars will not run nearly as deep as the bond that two people make when they trust each other. Intimacy should come with an instruction manual and shame on you for skipping to the last step because chances are, whatever you are building will eventually fall apart.

She Said

I will go as far as to say that most people, not just men, have an issue with intimacy.  I will also go as far as to say that most people of a certain age believe that intimacy means having sex.  It is so much more than that.  It is everything and anything leading up to that and after that that allows one to be vulnerable.  That seems to be a word that most people shy away from.  Vulnerability.  This leaves you open to so many horrible things and yet opens you up to so many amazing things.

Intimacy takes courage, it takes trust, it takes the longing to allow yourself to be open to another person.  I was once charged with a homework assignment from a therapist to build intimacy with a significant other of mine.  We were to have fifteen minutes every night that was just ours, that was for building a sense of intimacy. We were to touch, caress, hold hands, stroke hair and just be; without it leading to sex.  We failed miserably every night.  Not saying that we ended up having sex cause we didn’t, but we, mostly him, but I’ll take some of the blame, couldn’t do it.  We couldn’t sit quietly in those moments and just be together.  After a week or so we actually stopped even trying.  The nights got away from us, we didn’t have time, we weren’t interested and that is where I realized we would eventually fail as a couple.

Now in my later years, I realize that intimacy is the most important thing for two people to experience together.  To take the time to stoke someone’s hair, to hold hands, to lay on their chest, arms wrapped around each other.  To talk or not to talk, but to have that closeness, that trust building up between the two of you is something that binds you together.  I can’t say that it’s any harder for men than it is for women, being I’m a woman and it’s hard for me.  To let down my guard, to let someone into my space. I used to hate being touched or more specifically being hugged by a man.   It made me uncomfortable, why?  Cause to me, that was intimate.  That was allowing myself to enjoy the closeness, the feeling I felt when someone else’s arms were around me.  Almost in a needing them kind of way.  Now, being with the right man and having his arms around me, is one of the things I cherish most.

Find what it is about yourself that closes you off to being intimate with the one you care about and do it anyway.  Start small, start with fifteen minutes every night and have it be the time that you connect with the one you love. Don’t let it fail, don’t let it be something that you don’t have time for, make it a priority, because you are worth it and so is your relationship.

If you want to read more about Accidentally Allison:  www.accidentallyallison.com/home/

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The First Time

Sean Michael

He Said

Sometimes sex is just sex. However, the time that it is far more than that is when it is for the first time with someone you care about. It may not be the longing and pawing that goes on in the movies where the couple swallows each other whole and buttons are collateral damage. But it doesn’t have to be.

Maybe it’s clumsy…so what? Maybe you don’t fit just right the first try. Maybe you have a laugh or two. That’s okay. It’s about being with, loving and trusting the one that you love in the moment. Your kisses mean more. They are the ones that take your breath away but yet you still have to have another. The touch of their skin feels like heaven. The exploration of each other for that first time with no map because no two bodies are quite the same. The ultimate destination is the same and that is to unite two hearts and two souls together as one.

One night stands can be fun because you can be someone else for a night and never worry about feelings or complications. This is different. In that single instance when the time has become the right time, perfection is sought after. Perhaps you achieve it in bits and pieces and more power to you if it’s complete perfection from beginning to end. You don’t want to disappoint your partner. You want to try and be the very best self you can be because it’s too soon to play games or be some other persona to spice things up. You can never get that moment back.

What you can do is just be yourself. Don’t overplay your hand. Don’t make any assumptions. If this is loving the one you are with then just trust in the process and know that most likely, this is going to happen a few more times in the lifetime of your relationship. Even if the ship comes in too soon, even if the train never leaves the station or even if there are a few tears, don’t let that consume you.

The moment you have been waiting for has arrived. Be present in it. Take in the scent of her perfume of her neck. Grab her like you never want to let go. Kiss each other like it’s what you need to do in order to survive. You may be able to replicate some or all of those things but you will always remember how it felt the first time.

She Said

It’s funny, I was once at a dinner party with an old friend and he was talking about wanting to sleep with one of his ex girlfriends.  His mother, without hesitation said “Beware the power of the pussy.”  I almost fell on the floor, but it got me thinking.  The power women posses in terms of their sexuality is much greater than they even realize.  Most women have no idea how powerful they are in determining if the “first” time is going to happen.  We tend to think it lies solely in the hands of the man we are with.  Oh how wrong we are.  If we only knew how to harness the power we posses we could use that power for good.

From the minute of our first date, the first kiss, most women know whether or not the man they are with has any chance of ever going to bed with her.  Case in point, the minute I go on a date I know within the first few minutes of conversation if I’m going to want to kiss that person.  I surely know from the first kiss whether or not I want to sleep with them.  Most times, it’s like karma where if you really want something to happen and you plan for it; shaved legs, matching undergarments, it’s almost guaranteed that the event will not happen.  However, wear your most comfortable pair of granny panties and go a week without shaving and low and behold the moment is upon you.  It’s just bad luck, but with a little more planning and some signals, it can be a win/win for everyone.

The first time you have sex with someone can be wholeheartedly different from the first time you make love to someone you really care about.  It’s almost like there are levels.  Levels of who we want to sleep with and to what degree.  Sometimes, it’s a one night stand, because let’s be honest we all have needs.  But if it’s something you really want to experience with a person you are really into the pressure can be insurmountable.  You want them to find you attractive.  As attractive with your clothes off as they do with your clothes onYou want them to want you in a way they haven’t wanted anyone else.  You want the minute you become one to be memorable, to be honest and open and fun and sexy and a million other things.  We hold the power to make that moment amazing, just by letting down our guards, harnessing our power and putting it towards good.

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Meet The Parents with Accidentally Allison

Sean Michael

He Said

When I was dating my now wife, inevitably there came a time when I had to meet her parents. Her parents are divorced which meant I had to meet two different sets at two different times. Let me replay the meeting of her dad.

My future wife had just told me, “I’m falling in love with you but I can’t be with you” and then got in her car and drove off. Talk about a high and low in less than 30 seconds. I was working for a women’s fitness facility at the time and my next client just walked in as she pulled away. I was a wreck and I couldn’t focus. My client told me not to worry and that I should give her space. What does that even mean? How much space is space? Space is infinite as far as I know! Luckily, the night before while we were on the phone, I was able to get her address because I was helping her to locate the closest Quick Chek from her home.

After my shift ended, I made the executive decision to go after her. I couldn’t let the woman I love just slip away like that. I plugged her address into the GPS and away I went. I had no idea how it would go but my best case scenario would be something like that of any cheesy but happy ending romance movie. As I got closer, I gave her a call. My heart was pounding and I didn’t want to give it away that I was on my way to her house, where she lived with her PARENTS! Of course, women’s intuition kicked in and she asked, “Where are you?” and I said I’m right outside your house. She said, “If you are going to do this, are you ready to meet my parents?” Here’s the kicker, her dad was a retired cop of twenty years for East Orange. GULP! Usually meeting parents are my thing…they love me! I put on the Eddie Haskell charm and everything is all nicey nice. Possessing this tidbit of information made me a little unsettled but this was a do or die, cowboy up situation. I walked in the door and there was a handgun on the front table. GULP again! It was almost like he knew I was coming. Must have been the cop intuition which by the way my wife also has from her past life. Ergo, margin for error for me is close to zero.

Long story short, I met her dad and her step mom. I even passed the test of her cat, now my adopted son, Bubba, who never talks to strangers but came running to me and rubbed against my leg much to everyone’s dismay. I have learned that if I have nothing to hide and just be myself, I have no reason to be nervous. I haven’t met a parent yet that hasn’t liked me at first meeting. However, even though I may sound like the over the top, too nice boyfriend, it is sincere. I never have to worry that some other person will rear its ugly head, her parent’s first impression was spoiled and felt that I had them fooled.

Nerves are a more than acceptable part of the process because it means that the moment is important to you, as it should be. No matter if it’s the 50’s or living in 2016, parent’s approval and acceptance should be high on the priority list if your significant other is high on your priority list. Parents are not dumb and have valuable life experience to see through the BS that is being shoveled in front of them. Act accordingly and be who you are to your partner. The nerves will fade but the first impression that you leave never will.

She Said

Meeting the parents for me has never been a nerve wracking experience.  I have always thought in my head that I am totally the “take home to mom” kind of girl.  I’m parent friendly in a lot of ways.  I grew up with both my parents still married to each other, in a religious home with values and a good moral fiber, I have a good job and pay my own way through life and I think I’m pleasing to the eye.  All things I would think a mother would want for her son, apparently there is a little more that goes into it than that.  Mother’s of son’s are different than any other human being on this earth.  I do not understand them as a whole, but from the outside, they are the creatures you hear about who protect their young and would eat anypredator that came their way.  A new girlfriend is exactly THAT predator.

As a woman you think I love your son, I want to make him happy, I want nothing more than to be by his side supporting and loving him and you would think that is good enough right?  But sometimes you will meet a parent that has such an attachment to their child that it is a bond that no one can touch.  I never wanted to break any bonds between my significant other and their mother, however, I wasn’t trying to replace her, I was in addition to her!  None the less, you are the outsider and mother’s of sons are a different breed and essentially you are the other woman now in his life. If she likes you, you have nothing to worry about, if she doesn’t you will have your hands full from the minute you meet her.

Meeting my parents on the other hand has never ever been a thought for someone to be nervous about.  I know it’s natural to be nervous, but my parents are the kindest, most gracious and welcoming individuals on this earth.  They instantly make you feel comfortable and at home as if you’ve always been around them.  They have met lots of guys along my lifetime and they’ve welcomed them all and for that I appreciate them, but that doesn’t mean they’ve liked them all.  They too have their opinions and being I’m a mid forty’s gal who has had her share of bad boys in her life, they want me to be happy, so their checklist of what’s important has grown larger.  You inevitably have to be better than the rest.  You have to work your hardest NOT to be like all the others because they are waiting, hoping with each breath that YOU are different.  Lord knows they would really like to stop “meeting” someone for the first time.

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Laws Of Attraction with Accidentally Allison

Sean Michael

He Said

A few years ago, I overheard a conversation going on between my physical therapist and another gentleman discussing the appeal of a woman on television. The gentleman said you may have heard the expression, “Beauty is skin deep but ugly goes down to the friggin’ bone!” It was hilarious because here was this unassuming little man and he hit the nail on the head! Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. But getting down to the bone, if her personality is like that of an uberbitch it doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are, you can have her! Some men may prefer the company of overflowing locks combined with overflowing ‘tude but not this guy! That is where the laws of attraction begin and end for me.

It was when I was in college that I first really started to see the “I’m hot so I can act any way I want because you know you want me” syndrome kick in. There was a girl who was very attractive and she even thought so highly of herself to have her name on the license plate of her Mustang. I’m sure most guys would give two thumbs up to a sexy girl driving a Mustang (including my wife who is sexy and drives a Mustang) however, the image lost its appeal once she opened her mouth and allowed her actions to speak for her. The point is that there is always two sides from which you can view someone. The girl in college was just an optical illusion. She was beautiful but her personality left little to be desired and she might as well have been a nasty old hag.

In my opinion, how a woman carries herself can often be the deciding factor in what we picture next after the apparent outer beauty. A classic beauty in her own right, Audrey Hepburn said, “The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows.” Men are visual creatures by nature and at times, if we cannot picture this super sexy woman being by our side not just in our bed, we can get turned off instantaneously. I say that because secretly, most men want to be with a bitch just once because of the power trip and the sexuality linked to our fantasy but notice I said once. More than once carries too much baggage and as I said, once is enough and it’s like breaking back into prison. Now, if a woman is smiling, laughing and radiates a warm and welcoming demeanor or if she is confident and holds her head high while making eye contact with those that she speaks to, her attractiveness as well as her sexiness increases dramatically. Instantly, that beauty can go from a 7 or 8 to a 9 or 10 because it’s what’s in her soul, her inner goodness that we are drawn to.

The flip side of the coin or ugly stick is when a woman is rude and is constantly looking around for something better to walk through the door. I’m not talking about a man being disrespectful to the point of annoying but just trying to engage in a simple conversation. Also, if she struts around like she THINKS she is a diva and acts like she expects her night to be paid for by anyone who comes near…that is not attractive. Most guys will see right through it and see that she is a complete and utter waste of time. In the real world, no self-respecting man wants to go out with what my friend calls a “dinner whore”. And I’m not talking about if you take me out to dinner you will get what’s not on the menu for dessert…wink, wink.

At this stage in our lives, we all know what we find hot, sexy, attractive, beautiful and eye catching. We also are well aware of the polar opposites and what we do not find appealing at all. Some women just may not realize what type of outward vibe they may be giving out and continue to wonder why no man approaches her even though she is the only woman out in the middle of the desert giving away free water. Some women just put up that wall because they truly don’t want to be bothered as they are happily married or attached and that is the only way some of the thickheaded men out there get it. Ultimately, even though men may not have the reputation for deep except for being in deep sh*t at any given moment, we want more than a 10 on the outside, we want to be with a 10 on the inside as well. Aristotle said it best, “Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference.”.

She Said

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” which literally means the perception of beauty is subjective.  But is it?  What is it about another human being that tickles our fancy?  I am not sure it’s something that can actually be explained.  Each of us look at a persona and can determine in the blink of an eye if we are attracted to them, but what it is that is the determining factor?  Is it their body type, the way the are dressed?  Their smile?  Their hair?  It could be just about anything, but one thing is for sure is that once we feel that connection, sparks will fly.

Most people that I have encountered have a certain “type” of person that they seem to always end up with.  It may be that you like tall, thin, dark haired women or maybe you always go for the guy that’s bald and has a goatee.  Whatever it is, the things that initiate an attraction aren’t necessarily the things that build or even keep an attraction over time.  Once that initial flame has been lit, it takes a great deal to go from lust to love.  It will be their sense of humor, their intellect, their ability to address your needs and wants.  For lustful attraction, beauty really is skin deep, but for something more than that, something worth holding on to for the long haul, you are going to need more than that pretty smile or great shoulders to keep things rolling.

I have always considered myself to be an equal opportunity lender; I do not have a type.  I have dated men of every shape, size, color and creed.  But they all have had similar characteristics, not similar looks.  Variety is the spice of life, but what if we found that one person that over time, our attraction built.  Once a woman finds a man that she loves, one that meets or exceeds her effort in a relationship, one that makes her laugh, he could hold on to her forever.  Women are also visual, tactile beings, so your touch, your smile, your tenderness, your silliness, seriousness, your pretty much everything is what keeps us running back to you over and over again.

Don’t look for the hot rod with the bad attitude, don’t look for the bombshell with the no brains. Look for substance, look for the one that lights a fire in you, look for the one that gives you a flash of heat through you, look for the beauty within that is timeless.  Look for the girl with that look in her eye, the one that has natural beauty, the one that makes your heart melt.   She and only she will not only bring you from lust to love and back again, she will make you see that there couldn’t possibly ever be someone else that could be more attractive in your eyes.

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First Kiss with Accidentally Allison

Sean Michael

He Said

“What if she wants you to kiss her?
Well, then I guess I’m just gonna have to kiss her.
Amanda’s no minor leaguer who’ll be swept off her feet by your amateur lips.
Well, I just think maybe…
you should consider whether or not you can deliver a kiss that kills.
What, you think I can’t?
If you say you can, you probably can.”

I’m a product of the 80’s and when asked to write about the first kiss, this classic exchange from Some Kind of Wonderful, one of my favorite movies immediately came to mind.  The outcast Keith and his tomboy girl/friend Watts (who I had a crush on) who has a crush on him are preparing for his date with the popular Miss Amanda Jones.  She bates him into kissing her by getting him to consider if he could “deliver a kiss that kills’’ and SPOILER ALERT the kiss did not disappoint.  He pulled her in close, gripped her hips tight, they were breathing each other in and getting as close as possible until it was still too much room between them. It left both of them breathless, speechless and her blushing.  Now that’s how you do it Hollywood style and deliver a kiss that kills!

The reality is that it may not be that easy as someone questioning your kissing ability and double dog daring you to prove it.  But how do you know when is the right time? If you are waiting for the sun to set just right or she wants her hair to be just wind-blown enough to be sexy, keep waiting.  While timing is everything, there is no such thing as setting your sundial for that perfect first kiss.  It’s calculated but not exact meaning you think about it but you cannot plan for it.  For some it just has to be the moment when all bets are off, it’s now or never, she smells so good and I cannot take her leaning into me one more second! For others it’s “I want to kiss him so bad it hurts” because he looks so hot, he makes me melt and I just need to find out what he feels like!

That begs the question, which comes first the lips or the cheek? If it’s the lips you seek then pay attention to the signs you are being given otherwise you will have a tough time rebounding from the “I’m not there yet” or “Friend Zone” cheek! Men, even though this is supposedly the era of women’s independence and they will pick up their own check and make their own money, they need you to make it happen and you will have to pay attention and take the lead.

Was your greeting hug just a tad longer than the last time? Does she flirt with you or find a reason to randomly touch you? Is there any leaning in and out? Not to be confused with phasing in and out.  Has she re-applied her “I’m ready for my close-up” lips? Does she smell or look even more amazing? Although, some of us are not always that quick on the uptake, women will only put out so many signs before they get annoyed and think you are either not that into her or just dumb.  As Watts said to Keith when he didn’t know, “Yeah, well, you’re stupid. I always knew you were stupid.” But if the Magic 8-Ball says ‘all signs point to yes’, you my friend have now been greenlit to enter the First Kiss Zone!

This is where you must do your civil duty as a part of the man-card carrying member of society and take the initiative.  She’s nuzzled into you when are giving that extended hug goodbye embrace, she’s let you put your arm around her or rub her back.  So pull her in, take her in and make the move! Don’t make it awkward.  Be confident and no matter what, confidence to a woman is sexy.  If you missed the target or she happened to move accidentally but the intent was there, you may even get a do over and then the pressure is really off because now the kiss is on both of you and you can laugh it off

Women’s lips are a thing of beauty and they deserve to be treated as such.  Cherish them and she will use hers to cherish you.  Do not…I repeat…DO NOT take her face off! Don’t force your tongue because she will think you are too aggressive and just plain sloppy.  The first kiss is not the last kiss.  It’s an invitation to the potential of more intense kisses that may come seconds, minutes or days later.

What have we learned? The first kiss is definitely some kind of wonderful.  Signs are meant to be read so you don’t get lost.  Lips are precious and should be left on the face.  And lastly, guys, we are stupid at times but we can make up for it by delivering a kiss that kills!

She Said

“A real lover is one that can thrill you by kissing your forehead”

I have always found the first kiss to be awkward and uncomfortable.  How do you know when the right time will be?  Ho do you know he feels the same way?  how do you know if he read your signs right?  What if you don’t want a first kiss and he does?  All of these questions seem to run through your head at the end of a date before the first kiss has happened.  It seems to be the doorway which had the opportunity to lead to more kisses, to lead to kissing whenever you feel like it.

The exchange is never as it appears in the movies.  There isn’t ever really a “good time” for a first kiss.  It has the potential to be an epic fail and that’s why I usually am the one that goes for it first.  I know you want to kiss me, being a woman we just know, but it’s not those deep, pull you in close, grab your face and let it happen kind a thing.  It’s more like two birds beaks pecking at each other in a haste to say it was done.

We have all been in the situation where we have had an amazing kiss, but much like the first time you have sex with someone, there is a lot of nerves and anxiety that go into the “first” of anything.  You don’t know how to kiss each other until you’ve had practice at it.  Do you initially go for the tongue?  Do you close, tight lip it for a few seconds to see if he makes the move to tongue?  There is a lot of pressure on the first kiss being great, being spectacular, being something to remember.  I’m not sure how guys do it.

The fear of rejection, the placement of your hands, your breath, are your eyes open or closed?  The first kiss is nerve wracking at best, but once it is done, once it’s out of the way, the language you all develop together is why kissing is so important.  It was once thought that kissing another bound your souls together, as if the whole process wasn’t enough pressure!

If you have done it right, you will know.  She will want to kiss you again and again.  If you’ve done it wrong, as I have so many time, you have the opportunity to make light of it and to do it again and again until you get it right.  Women don’t want the perfect kiss, we want the perfect person to kiss us.  There’s a big difference.  So if we laugh at your jokes, touch you during a conversation, look in your eyes when you speak, give you all the signs that we want to be kissed, like Nike, Just Do It!  And you will be glad you did.

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Negotiating For Love with Accidentally Allison

Sean Michael

He Said

On a scale of 1-10, you should ask yourself just how important is finding that love connection that has nearly all the important qualities and characteristics you desire.  If it’s not a 9 or better yet a 12 on that scale, most likely, you will never be truly happy and/or fulfilled and you will continue to make the wrong choices in your dating life.  Things like character, respectfulness, and honesty, hardworking, caring, and trustworthy are foundation builders of a strong relationship and should rise to the top of your list.  If your list reads tall, hot, has six pack abs, his second car is a BMW and makes $100K a year you may want to revisit that.  None of those things scream I’m looking for love.  It actually screams I’m afraid of getting involved and surface and superficial is the best way to keep my emotions in check and not get hurt.

In my previous dating life, I made a promise to myself that I would not settle for anything less than what I want and was unwavering in my own desires.  I wrote about it in my journal expressing the things that were important to me at the core of what I required in a relationship and believed that in time, she would present herself.  Years ago I was told, “Sean, you are 36 and not getting any younger” or “Sean, if I was your mother I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have a grandchild from you by now”.  I have to laugh because as a great man once said to me, “Judging is above my pay grade” so who were they to think they knew me best? If I listened to that amazing unsolicited commentary, all I would have been was unhappily married.  No big deal.

I would always rather be single for the right reasons then together for the wrong ones.  I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve because I worked hard to become the person that I am.  Because of this, I met and later married an amazing woman who completely aligned with all that I had been looking for without even looking.  She is smart, caring, affectionate, hardworking, honest, sarcastic and funny and she treats me just the way she wants to be treated, with respect and love.  On top of that, she has killer eyes and is just as beautiful at 9am ready for work as she is at 10pm with her hair up and make-up off.  I’ve got the best of both worlds and all because I refused to settle and held true to what I valued most.

Love is not meant to be negotiated at a desk.  Love is meant to be expressed at its highest forms and you should never stray from what you believe in most.  I’m not saying that there isn’t wiggle room for things like his extreme dislike for mushrooms or that he listens to country music.  However, defining a man’s traits by his expensive car or his killer body is a sure fire way to ensure you will not only be disappointed but be left with a bad taste in your mouth from the lemon you just negotiated for.

She Said

Relationships are like anything else in life; they don’t come exactly they way we want them.  It isn’t like going up to the fast food dollar menu and ordering exactly what you want and then having the option to biggie size it.  Relationships are about compromise.  Negotiating on what your nonnegotiables are, but being willing to accept that we may not get everything on our list.  We have to be able to determine what we can and can’t live with.

There is no perfect person, but there could be the perfect person for you, but what are you willing to look past, to deal with, to accept when it comes to another human being.  If we constantly hold everyone to a standard that is unattainable we will inevitably be disappointed no matter what.  Perfection in anyone is not something anyone can live up to.  We don’t like the way he chews or the that he snores or that he leaves the toilet seat up, but possibly these are things that we can overlook because the person we are in love with is worth it.  What are the things you can’t live with?  Can you live with someone not being honest?  Can you live with someone who isn’t true to you or themselves?  Maybe not, but can you live with having to put the toilet seat down in the middle of the night so you don’t fall in?

What is it about another human being that we love with all our might that makes it so we can’t be together?  Maybe they aren’t tall enough or smart enough or make enough money.  Or maybe, our expectations are too high.  If we expect someone to accept us as we are, why would we not be willing to accept another?  Compromise, communication, negotiating through the ebbs and flow of a relationship is what in the end makes it work, makes it last.  We can never say to someone to change themselves if we aren’t willing to change ourselves as well.  Not change the core of who we are, but deal with our demons, deal with our pasts, deal with who we want to be in the future.  Once we have those things, and have the trust that another human being is in it with us, able to listen and work with each others growth, then we have hit the jack pot.

In a world where everyone is looking for love, looking to be loved, to be accepted, to be understood, why would you create a list of things that you aren’t willing to work with?  I guess it comes down to that there are things in life that we don’t get to choose, like who our hearts yearn for, but we do get to choose what we do about it.  If you find that person, that other half to yourself and there are things about them that you can’t live with, leaving is an easy out,but what about trusting that person enough to talk to them about it? To let them inside us, like really and truly let them in?  What if we weren’t scared to negotiate on things that were important to us?  What if we were vulnerable enough to compromise on some of what we think we want in order to get exactly what we ever hoped for?  Trust, communication, compromise, honesty; these are the things that make our relationships worth it.  These are the things that could quite possibly turn those lemons, into lemonade.

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